The cycle of domestic violence is a malevolent thing. In the courtship phase, the abuser is charming and thoughtful. Once the relationship matures and the couple is living together, the abuser becomes controlling. Often the abused is prevented from seeing old friends. The abuser must control every aspect of the partner’s life. In most cases, the victim is a woman, but men can also become the victim of abuse.
I have a friend who is trying to deal with a toxic relationship. His wife regularly puts him down, and says he cannot do anything right. He is often embarrassed by these put-downs while in public.
His situation has been building up for a long time. While his wife was working and not home that much, the situation was tolerable. But now she is retired, and the sparks fly whenever he tries to communicate.
My business is helping people strengthen relationships. I deal mostly with businesses. Good relationships between employees are critical to a smooth-running business. Equally important is converting a visitor to your business into a fan of your business.
I don’t have that much experience helping people deal with their personal problems. I do know that I cannot change others. I can only change myself.
The classic advice to people in a toxic relationship is to leave that bad environment. So why do people stay in violent environments?
Leaving is not always an option. People stay in bad relationships for lots of reasons:
- They love their abuser and hope the abuser will change.
- They are afraid they will lose their children or access to their grandchildren.
- They don’t have the money to be able to leave.
- Their abuser has convinced them they are worthless and cannot survive without the abuser.
There are many reasons people put up with bad relationships but these are the most common. The cycle of violence itself can often contribute to an abused individual staying in an abusive relationship. Abusers are usually very manipulative. The cycle of violence goes from verbal abuse to physical abuse, to a honeymoon period when the abuser is apologetic and promises to change. A relationship may never progress beyond the psychological stage of verbal abuse, but if your situation becomes physically violent then you can expect the violence to escalate.
Read more about how difficult it can be to leave an abusive environment.
My daughter has written a book, A River Worth Riding: Fourteen Rules for Navigating Life, in which she defines fourteen rules for living your life. Her book doesn’t tell you what to do. Her book is a guide. It helps you understand how you can make better decisions, but the decisions you actually make are your responsibility.
For instance, It doesn’t tell you the only way you can deal with an abusive environment is to leave. What it does do is help you understand the abusive environment and to respond to a situation in order to improve your life.
Not all violence is physical. The most pervasive violence may be verbal abuse.
Benjamin Franklin had a dozen values that guided his life. Throughout the year he would focus on one value each week. At the end of the cycle, he would return to the first value and start the cycle over again.
My daughter Lynn’s book is set up the same way. Study a chapter a week, and when you finish the book, you go back to the start and work your way through the book again. Lynn has compiled a workbook to help you apply what you learned, and she has created a course of lessons complete with tasks that need to be completed in order to apply the rules of the river to your life.
The book is not a how-to book. It is more of a how-to-think book. It helps you to spot the changes that you can make in your life to best deal with the situations that are troubling you.
The book is available on Amazon in Paperback, and Kindle formats. Get your book here and start changing your life.
Hopefully, you are not dealing with a situation as dangerous or corrosive as domestic violence. But, cleaning up after your family can be annoying and finding a solution can be just as frustrating.
When you need a mentor, Lynn is available to be your Guide on your River of Life.
Her first lesson is also free, so register here. It discusses the Power of Cause and Effect. Complete the first lesson and do the homework tasks at the end of the lesson. If you believe the book will help you change your life, buy it, study it and make it part of your life. Lynn will serve as your mentor for one-on-one help when you think you need more intensive guidance to get over a particularly rough spot in yiur life.
If I want to change my life I have to change what I am doing. Ultimately, what changes I make are my responsibility. Books and mentors can only help guide me to better decisions. I have to take action to make an change happen.
“A River Worth Riding” is a book to read over and over. Incorporate the 14 Rules of Life into your life. Concentrate on incorporating a rule in your life for a week. Then go on to the next rule and concentrate on it for a week. When you get to the end review what you have accomplished and start over.
Ben Franklin did this with what he called his value for most of his life. His journal records his successes and his failures and what he learned along the way. I highly recommend bullet journaling as a way to track and learn from your successes and failures.